RECAP: Atlanta: Season 1, Episode 5: "Nobody Beats The Biebs" / by Aquillia Mikel

 

This Episode's Big Thought or Question

"No one wants Justin to be the asshole. They want you to be the asshole. You're the rapper."

Scene: You're the dude who shot someone.

Alfred is on the F list celebrity basketball red carpet being Black and not knowing how to handle being semi-important. They are trying to sign in when Alfred sees this white girl that he is trying to talk to. White girl is not going, even though Alfred is giving it his all. And I don't know why because this girl is SUPER weak and it is very clear that she is extra wack. Any white girl that says "gangster" with the stress on the ER is going to be a no for me. 

Scene: Oh, shit. It's Justin Beiber.

A BLACK JUSTIN BEIBER WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND I AM INSTANTLY DECEASED. He's so disrespecful and brazen and Earn thinks Alfred should work with him because he's hot right now. Alfred hates him, though, so I don't see that happening. They separate and Earn is mistaken for someone named Alonzo by some unassuming white woman. At this point, Earn is confused and I am thoroughly confused because this white woman really has no idea that this Black man isn't like all of the other Black men in her wack life. She thinks that he's a manager that she had an entire business relationship with. That's how oblivious she is. 

Scene: Donate Bieber to me.

We cut to Darius waking up and getting fresh and he hears dogs in the background. A few seconds later, we see him at a gun range and one can only imagine what he is doing there. We cut to Justin Beiber peeing on the wall and Lloyd's beautiful face pops up on my screen. Alfred and Justin start playing ball and we can already tell that Alfred is over it. Quick cut back to Darius at the gun range and we see him hanging up a poster of his own and we see that it is a gun poster of a dog. He starts shooting at it. Mind you- there is a gun poster of a family right next to it. Hold on to that image. Cut to Alfred and the Biebs- who I am hating more and more by the second. They're throwing a lot of basketball shade by telling each other to eat a bag of penises and being broke and the Biebs ends up scoring and dabbing in a haze of irritating, reckless confusion. 

Scene: You can't shoot dogs. What are you...a psycho?

Darius is wrapping up his rounds at the gun range when he is accosted by angry white men who tell him that he can't shoot at a dog poster at the gun range. Darius tries to explain that it is for his protection because he has rabid dogs in his neighborhood and even when he does that, he is still escorted out by a man with a gun. Mind you, there are pictures of Dads, Mexicans with knives, and ISIS posters that other patrons are shooting at. Cut to Earn getting his networking life together and feeling important at the celebrity basketball game with the other agents. He's even giving tips to the bartender even though he knows HE'S BROKE. Janice, the racist white lady, comes over and tells the person that she thinks Earn that loyalty is important to their peers. So, apparently, the other Black Earn has wronged Racist Janice in some way because she tells Earn (Alonzo) that she wants to destroy his life because apparently he threw her under the bus once. SHE TELLS HIM TO WIPE THE SHARECROPPER SMILE OFF OF HIS FACE AND THEN PROCEEDS TO GIVE HIM A DEMENTOR'S KISS. We cut to Alfred completely wiping Beiber out on the court and then they get into a fight on the court. Jaleel White, Lil' Zane, and Lloyd make an appearance and my teenage heart is simply fluttering away.

Scene: Play your part. 

A press conference is being held where Black Bieber totally gets to transform his image after the fight that he has with Alfred. Alfred then tries to sidle up to the white girl and tells him that he also isn't the guy that he just showed himself to be. This white girl tells him to play his part. Then, Alfred and Earn both dip because they have had the craziest of days and I imagine that they just want to go mellow out with some weed right now. 

And we all wait until next week.